The “12 Man” Rides again..
The face looks vaguely familiar but the voice is like an old friend – and so is that one, and that one, and that one … This is a one-man cricket commentary team that can fill a commentary box.
The answer to the riddle, of course, is Billy Birmingham, the Sydneysider who sends up Channel Nine commentators on recordings that rocket to the top of the Aussie charts and are a big hit in this country.
Aussies Richie Benaud and Bill Lawry and South African-cum-Englishman Tony Greig are the stars of Birmingham’s work but just about everyone with a microphone has been given the treatment by Birmingham, in his 12th Man guise. His latest release is called “Boned” and is the sequel to “The Final Dig” .. keep a look out for it!!!
But are the Aussies pulling bluff???
Ross Taylor – the young man with the cricketing world at his feet. People watch out for this name, he’s been re-writing record books as the Black Caps continue to wreck havoc against the formidable Aussie cricket side. Not evem “Mr cricket’s” 105 yesterday could stop the Black Caps from taking the Hadley-Chappell series 2-0, as the Black Caps chased down Australia’s 336/4 with 4 balls to spare..
“Quotable Quotes”
- 1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
“And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”
- 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator Murray Mexted –
“Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.”
- 3. Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator –
“This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”
- 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
“Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.”
- 5. US PGA Commentator –
“One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ….. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!”
- 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said:
“You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”
- 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked,
“So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
- 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
“Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.”
- 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
“There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”
- 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
“Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”
- 11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked:
“They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.”
- 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie F.anny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
“Some weeks Nick likes to use F.anny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”
FLETCH - Uncovered at this year J&B MET
Fall down laughter..
There was a guy in a bar one night who got really drunk, I mean really,
really, really drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on
the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the
face.
Shocked, the nun felt her knees go beneath her but before she could do
or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he
stumbled over to her and kicked her in the bum, then he picked her up
and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much.
Then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and
said….....................................................
..............
..............
..............
..............
..............
..............
..............
..............
“NOT VERY STRONG TONIGHT,
ARE YOU, BATMAN?”
CARD TRICKERY!!!
Response from avid fan:
Ever since my article on interesting facts two days ago, people have been stopping me, “MT Hughes” in the streets and shouting “Hey dreamer”.
This is apparently in response to the fact that “dreamt” is the only word in the English language that ends in “mt”.
Joey Miller you are a role model.
Parlotones – “Funny face” lyrics:
A great song that’s grown on me lately, very “James” sounding indeed! – Go buy the album
Funny face, funny coz I’m not happy inside funny face, if you look real close my eyes have died funny face, it’s him you want but I’ll do in his place funny Face, it’s a slap slap slap in the face is this the hand I’ve been dealt – where’s my negotiator is this the hand I’ve been dealt – where’s my negotiator is this the hand I’ve been dealt – where’s my negotiator funny face, your lips may lie but feelings don’t hide funny face, lovers entwined but where is your mind funny face, looks as though I need a lovers guide funny face, do you know what it’s like being second prize you’re all I’ve ever wanted but I wanted more of you, all of you, more than you were willing to offer even the parts you chose to hide, more of you, all of you, more than you could ever imagine.
Artwork: Compliments Dave Ballam Impersonator
Real Life Simpsons Intro
Someone went through a lot of trouble to very accurately depict the Simpsons intro with real life actors.. check it out, quite BRILLIANT!!
Joey on Music:
If you have some spare loot or downloading facilities (www.limewire.com is great!) then check out the following bands!
- The Stars
- Just Jack
- Peter Bjorn and John
- Phoenix
- The Shins
You heard it here first
Solly when u gonna sort out that blogsite cheesepuff??
Joey’s cocky thought for the day..
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”,
“highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections – And absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Interesting facts to ponder…
- Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world’s largest zipper manufacturer.
- Chocolate has been recorded to kill dogs! – chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system and just a few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
- Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
- Dreamt” is the only word in the English language that ends in “mt”.
- The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the Combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.
- The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
- Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.
- “Bookkeeper” is the only word in English language with three consecutive Double letters.
- If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at Approximately 4:30pm the previous day.
LEOPARD CREEK TOPS THE PILE!!
Anyone that enjoys a game of golf will keep a close eye on which courses are regarded as the finest in our magestic land. Of the Western Cape courses Pearl Valley came in 6th place and Arabella two spots up in 4th spot – and in all, if you’ll believe this.. only 3 Western Cape courses made the top 20!! with Erinvale coming in at no.19.
I present to you the lasest rankings as revealed by the golf digest panel:
1. Leapard Creek, 2. Gary Player CC, 3. Fancourt Links,4. Arabella,5. Durban CC,6. Pearl Valley, 7. Fancourt, Montague, 8. Wild Coast, 9. River Club
10. Royal J&K East course, 11. Glendower, 12. Humewood, 13. George
14. Peacanwood, 15. Pezula, 16. East London, 17. Beachwood, 18. Fancourt, Outeniqua, 19. Erivale, 20. Lost City
My question to you is which province do you think boasts the finest golf courses??
WARNIE Vs KEVIN “BLOODY” WILSON
Despite all that went down in old Warnie’s life, we all love to love the man who we will oneday tell our *grandkids about. Enjoy the video – funny stuff!! Pity old Warnie wont be at the World Cup, well who knows…*
THE WEEKEND’S “ZUM-YENGI” AWARD: (Drums rolling)
NAME: Juan Smith
REASON: The award was a very simple choice this weekend. When asked by Garth Wright about his teams prospects for the rest of the Super 14 competion, Smith replied by saying that he hoped the remaining “14” or actually about 13 matches” would go very smoothly for his Cheetah’s. DUH!!!!!! 13 games – 1 game = 12 games Juan!.
My Conclusions to his statement: 1) Did he get a heavy knock not picked up on camera?, 2) did he sit at the back of class in maths? 3)Is there an extra game that we dont know about? He did infact have a great game so I do commend his rugby skill on the day!! Nice one Juan :)
Joey’s fact files
The HECTIC truth surrounding the life of this amazing man:
- Chuck Norris’s calender goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; because NOBODY can fool Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer – Too bad he has never cried.
- Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands.
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
- Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
- Chuck Norris puts the word “laughter” into “manslaughter”
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse; horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have to live.
- Chuck Norris does not use “pick-up lines” he just says “NOW”.
- It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris becuase that would mean you did not want it to happen.
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Happy Birthday to THE WILDEST MAN EVER - YES, THE WILDMAN!!!!
A big shout out to friend and countryman THE WILDMAN who turns the Magical 30 today. Spent a magical day at Waterford Wine Estate on Sunday sipping fine wine, eating great food and being surrounded by special friends and family of this very wild fella. Cricketing celeb Chad Crew knicknamed “dot-ball” was also on show for a cameo performance and was apparently asked to bowl some off-spin whilst the crowds wooo-ed in appreciation!!
Man or God?
I must apologise for my flurry of video’s but this surely must be one of the best bits of individual backline brilliance I’ve ever seen. Please note that our friend Danie does not even get touched and he catches the ball close to the 10m line!! Genius…. Boks beat Ireland in a thriller 12-10… take a watch! (stats courtesy of Yungie)
Factfile:
Full names: Daniël Mattheus
Date of birth: 14 Apr 1958
Place of birth: Port Elizabeth, South Africa
School: Despatch
Can he speak ANY English?: No
Initial province: Eastern Province
Physical: 1.85m, 88kg
Current age: 48
JOEY COLUMN TURNS THE MAGICAL 2!!
As my 2nd year of existance approaches I thought it only fitting to put a package of pics together – May the good times roll on forever..
My 20 fashions, fads and flavours for 2007
1. Binge chilling
2. Alpha moms
3. Halal foods
4. “Kidults”
5. Hybrid dogs
6. Europeans getting fatter
7. Inconspicuous consumption
8. Being part of the Nadoes community
9. Iceland
10. Brand sluts
11. Mash-ups (Music, websites, everything..)
12. Churchonomics (Religion as a big business)
13. Better golf swings as opposed to better scores
14. Girls asking guys on dates
15. Age shuffling (40 is the new 20 for example)
16. Soft – natural hair
17. Higher wasted pants
18. Trans – fat fallout
19. Home schooling
20. Party planning for teens
A tribute to Choppie Du Plesis who had his 1 year aniversary recently.. A truely magic wedding as far as I can remember!! (Here were the highlights)
Monday laughter – Meet Steven Wright
This kid is just classic, one of my favourate comedians!!! – if it takes time to understand his vibe then you’re pretty normal afterall.
Snow Patrol – Run
An oldish yet powerfull tune, worthy of Joey Miller Status.. let it play through – Tracy can you felt it?
Friday’s “Shmoke and a pancake” with Joey Miller
Yes folks, I have once again introduced a refreshingly new addition to my Friday entertainment. Just for my beloved fans , this week it’s a cameo once off with a Cricketing Bok sensation making some serious splashes!!
This weeks personality: Paul Harris
Joey: “So Paul you gonna join me for a shmoke and a pancake kiddo??”
Harro: “Man alive… Joey I have read some of your interviews with celebs and gotta be honest this is pretty intimidating stuff for me” (Harris fanning his face with the menu due to the extreme heat conditions)
Joey: “Ah Harro Im flattered….. by the way can I call you Harro?”
Harro: “Jeez Joey, I would be honoured, just love your work!!” (Harro takes his first bite of his now drenched in syryp pancake)
Joey: “Ok now Harro, you have gone from rags to riches as far as cricketing heroics are concerned, that 1st wicket at Newlands must have been emotional stuff.. tell us about it”
Harro: “Joey the elation was immense.. that moment would probably be the highlight of my cricketing career.. and just having all the boys in the team throwing me high-fives and hugging me etc was something special. There some real beauties in the team Joey.. Im a blessed man”
Joey: “Sure, sure”
Joey: “And marriage proposals, you got any since donning the baggy green?”
Harro: Laughing (head tilted, teeth whiter than what tv portrays)
Harro: “Well Joey, just one actually and that came from me to my beautifull fiance.. yes Im tying the knot and Im stoked!”
Joey: “And chewing gum.. tell me, does Graeme Smith supply you with the stuff or do you actually drive to the shops and buy your own?”
Harro: “Haha Joey.. yes funny you mention that because I was over at my Gran’s for tea last week and she said I look plain awefull chewing with my mouth open on the telly.. I better cut it out.. oh and to answer your question we actually have a team kitty of chewing gum.. Smithy always makes sure it’s topped up as he has the chappies bubblegum contract”
Joey: “hmmm interesting” (Joey clearly captivated as he holds his coffee mug in mid-air)
Joey: “So what flavour are you actually chewing on out there?”
Harro: “Haha Joey, you working me up now.. its Peach” (Harro clearly amused by being put on the spot by Joey for his chewing-on-the-telly antics)
Joey: “And one last question Harro while I have you here in the flesh…. can you confirm that you have been approached by a publishing agency to release an autobiography?”
Harro: (Laughing uncontrollably as he slaps Joey on the leg several times)
Harro: “MT.. Im gonna get that sucker, bet he set you up for that question… haha Joey, no autobiographies just yet, still got many wickets to take for my country.. Im just so proud to be part of it all.. Im very passionate about what I do Joey” (a small tear running unashamedly down his cheak)
Joey: “You deserve it Kid.. now run off and go for that back massage, you have been a real sport to take time off for the fans out there.. I tell you what, Im gonna catch you on the boundary tomorrow… thinking of spending the morning session on the grass embankment before heading off to the horse races!”
Harro: “Jeeeeez Joey I just love horses… they so big and strong!”
Joey: (Leaning back in his chair as he watches Harro doing horse riding manouvers with his two arms, jolting his chest back and forth in a horse- riding like motion.. Joey’s mind wondering as Harro describes his first experience of riding a philly on the beach in Fish Hoek… hearing but not listening, this guy’s done it all… such a gaaaaaaad Joey thinks to himself as a wry grin emerges on his face, eyes glazed)