TWO MORE OFF

Sorry Girls… but the votes rule this game and my say is unfortunately not the final say.. so YOURE DISMISSED..

Well done for making it this far.. but your time has come – FAREWELL!

MY GOOD PEOPLE

...when I got hold of this man in question he was cruising effortlessly out of the Virgin Active Gym in Constantia, sucking on a grape Energade and looking somewhat money. I took a snap shot of his side profile and took him aside for a brief interview – yes, a one on one with Joey Miller.

Being on the ball, I whipped out my state of the art cell phone and proceeded to record the following… Ladies and Gentelman I present to you, Mr. Duane Viljoen ->

Q. Duane my man…tell us all, what exactly would a date with one of these beauties involve?

“Hmmmm, I would take her for a plane cruise around the
peninsula Joey….hmmmm and rather than land in Cape Town, I’ll fly her in my plane to Aniston (Big cheesy smile) or any small
holiday destination I guess – have some oysters and crayfish for lunch, maybe a
romantic walk on the beach and to top it off, fly back just in time for a
sunset landing back in Cape Town.”

Q.Describe yourself Duane, are you really a sensitive guy or just a macho rugger bugger with bigger than normal biceps?

“Come now Joey, I’m the nice guy, my mom will tell you that. Its
something I’m trying to shake though. So be warned ladies, no more opening of
doors, sending of flowers, poetry. And as for the bill, that we will split 50/50.”

Q. What qualities do you like best about a woman?

“The usual I suppose. Good
cook, skilled with vacuum cleaner, can fish, single figure golf handicap,
drinks beer, does not mind boys night out at least once a week(Excluding
Nadoes day) and if she doesn’t look too bad in the morning then I guess its a bonus .”

Q. So Duane tell me, which female contestant would you take on a date?

“Kole or Angela bru, although they are all belters in my opinion”

Q. The most dangerous thing you have ever done, we would all like to know?

“Without doubt the time I drove with Jonothan
Snaith to Knysna after dark, yes when we were already late. Enough said!!”

Q. And finally what is the most you have ever bench pressed, those biceps of yours could’nt have been bought at the pick n pay?

“With no one spotting me 160kg,
with my someone spottin me 180Kg’s”

Q. Anything else from you Duane?

“Yes – Joey, I love your work!”

Votes still rolling in for this weeks evictions, they will be published first thing monday morning, I’ll give you some inside info, “A big name looks set to be evicted from the babies. “Till then have a good weekend and remember the fashion cops are always out there – Dont take a chance!

Best Wishes

Joey Miller

REST OF THE JOKE

The mother advises her daughter to tell him that she has her period, which seems like a good idea.

So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, when she stops him.

“I’m sorry sweetie, but it’s that time of the month.”

The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, “It’s all good honey. I understand.” He puts on a robe and walks away.

The wife is somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne.

So she asks, “What’s going on, dear?”

“We’re celebrating!” he replies.

“Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?” she asks.

“Anal sex week!”

Front page continued

No sex tonight?

A certain man’s words:

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT????!!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…”You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT???!!!”

I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

THE BABIES HAVE LANDED

Yes oh yes.. in the end it was a cruel numbers game but I have made my selection and unfortunately Joey’s word is final. Making those calls to the unfortunate babies who just missed out on the cut was not something I want to be doing again. There were tears and lots of sniffing but look on the bright side there is always “GAME 2” to look forward to.

THE STALIONS ARE POISED

LATEST: Ok so the two contestants that have been notified and given there marching orders for round one are none other than:

Ian

Unanimously voted off the game, confirmation came via this somewhat harsh email from an anonymous lady:

“I see this guy (Ian) everywhere, he’s kinda cute but whenever I say hi he totally shrugs me off like I’m a piece of old cheese or something… I would probably score him but he must get a life first! I made the girls top 20 so ha ha Ian!! Get him off.. NOW!”

Joey’s take on Ian’s dismissal : Unlucky bud, work on the personality and Im sure you will have the babies eating out of your hands!

Jason

Jason actually received very few votes calling for his dismissal.. but unfortunately this young man is being withdrawn as a result of a mail I received late Thursday evening, I quote: “Dunno WHO you think you are calling this guy SINGLE.. as far as I knew he is going out with ME.. leave him ALONE.. not having any girls stealing my Jason!!”

Joey’s take on Jason’s dismissal : Ouch!! Well I guess you gotta go bud, only single stallions allowed… hope you can make it up to her for sending us your pic..”

DATING PROSPECTS:

Next week I will be deleting 2 babies from the game and getting some spice going with regards to matching a few of our contestants. (I have had calls to hook up MT with Holly and Jono with Angela… Sure I can make something happen – if both parties are keen that is?

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Remember people as much as positive sentiments regarding contestants are appreciated.. It’s your negative votes that I tally on a weekly basis. So be sure to give me your 3 votes as to who you would like aborted from the game. VOTE NOW!!

Lets hear what you all have to say.

Best wishes

Joey Miller

Joey Miller Column

Cape Town better in winter?

Well decided to head out on Thursday night for a cold beer with a few mates, ended up bumping into a few moooore mates who were headed to Pulse’s – Thursday night FUN NIGHT – Had known that the place went totally crazy on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays but had NO IDEA of what was in store. The place was very pleasantly festive and is definitely Thursday nights “hot spot�? to kick start the weekend off. Not one to usually compliment DJ’s but I must say these guys had the place going NUTS!!!

DJ KUDU & DJ TUCKBOX as I was later told.. were behind the decks.. real entertainers who had the ladies begging for more – It was a joke! Next time you are tossing a few ideas around on what to do on a Thursday, give this place a whirl.

Moving on swiftly….

I have rummaged through a good few 100 pictures of males and females sent through by my special followers. This week we will focus on Cape Towns “finest stallions�? and next week we will unleash Cape Town hottest babies. Did I mention that all of the below are single and ready to mingle… well ladies sit back and meet the lucky 15 that have made it onto the “JOEY MILLER DATING GAME�?.. don’t be jealous, Joey has it all planned out – your turn will come NEXT WEEK.

How the “Joey Miller Dating Game�? works / provides entertainment:

• 20 contestants (stallions/ babies) have been randomly selected from the pics sent in! Babies pics to follow
• Each week *2 * “players” are voted OFF as a result of email popularity. (*Male votes for males DO NOT count, the same applies for female votes for females.)
• Next week we will have our lucky “20�? girls posted, together with the guys… I thought just as a treat for my female followers, I would build up the excitement NOW and give you all a sneak preview as to which stallions made the cut for this months competion. Yes one of these sexy beasts below (as a result of YOUR precious votes) will become GAME 1’s Stallion and Baby of the month!!

Last but not least

• Your suggestions as to which contestants should be paired off will be posted on the column.. it’s really just a bit of fun but who knows – You may land yourself a keeper. Thank me later.

So ladies and gents without further ado I introduce to you -> Game 1: Our first round of Stallions: (in no particular order)

Lets get your votes ladies – You are only permitted three (3) votes each.
Send your emails to:

thejmcolumn@breakthru.com

Regards and good wishes.

J.M

Joey turns 4000!!!

Well what can I say.. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any better for the future of the Joey Miller Column..there you go and give me a surprise 4000th birthday present !! Yes that’s right folks…4000 hits have come the way of the Joey Miller column in just the past 2 weeks SO I have decided that as a result of your overwhelming support I dedicate this week’s column to YOU my beloved supporters.

First things first…

Sexy butts competition

I had great expectations for this “cheeky�? competition… I had tequila up for grabs and the whole format seems quiet straightforward.. Sadly what do my beloved bunch do? They send me a MEEEEEEZLY 40 bums which I had to painstakingly sift through.

I am going to me blunt with a lot of you. Some of those asses where to say the least – just plain terrible.. Others where average…. Eventually I decided on a winner.

Miss Claire Kebble – please step up to the podium. Your ass was light years ahead of anyone else’s and the 3 bottles of tequila are on there way to your spot in Rondebosch.

*Claire’s sexy buns – “light years ahead of the pack�?.*

Sightings of the mysterious A.O Pletzer

Thank you Mr. Kilpin for the confirmation. I quote: “Yes this dude is Andrew… Was at school with him and see him in the Constantia Gym 24/7..he truly is a monster�?
Great we can put this baby to rest then.
Case closed.

Joey Miller dating game

Finally something for our single readers and there all plenty of you out there…This is going to be a weekly feature on the Joey Miller Column. Yes yes I am taking the initiative to get something going that is going to cause a ripple effect throughout Cape Town. In no time at all, life will feel different.

Here’s how it’s going to be run: If you or your mate longs to having someone to hold onto, someone new, someone exciting, someone they never KNEW existed – then start getting excited. I am in the process of gathering pictures (make them nice please) of single girls and guys that live and breathe in Cape Town. Whether it be YOU, your beautiful flat mate or even your dodgy flat mate I WANT THE PICTURES!!

Send to -> thejmcolumn@breakthru.com .

My top selection of 20 guys and 20 girls WILL be posted next week so let’s get these pictures in ASAP.

There will be a monthly winner from each category – decided by YOUR votes, and Joey Miller himself will be sponsoring the candlelight meal at a venue which will be kept highly top secret.

Till next week, get snapping.

J.M

The Joey Miller workout:

(((One two one two))), jump up… jump doooooooooown…

Ahhhh .. now come to Joey…Joey knows best… Joey will taaaame you. Welcome to this weeks column folks. Got some crazy stuff lined up so sit back, relax and enjoy. This is all for you.

Joey Miller CD competition results:

Last weeks column clearly inspired the masses, of the 148 entries received – a walloping 78 got the first question WRONG by falsely predicting that the Bulls would make the Super 12 final. That positive thinking vibe that I threw you all last week clearly had an impact. But in the crazy world of professional sport there can be only one winner and winning away from home was always going to be a big ask from our boys up North. This years Tri-Nations is going to be MASSIVE!!!

Ok…well our 3 lucky winners had no problem openly revealing their identities so ladies and Gentleman I present to you the proud new owners of the signed “Joey Miller�? compilation album entitled – “Good times �?

1.Mr. Mark Fenner
2.Mr. Herman Fourie
3.Miss. Fiona Kerr

Just to give you all some feedback on the competition, I asked you to send me a bazaar picture together with your opinion as to the easiest venue in Cape Town to come right. I must say we got some very interesting stuff coming through.. A lot of porn from some sick lonely individuals and some crazy stuff that would create a lot of interest. Two of the less controversial pictures sent in were the following: Pic 1) “Never lie to your chick�? and Pic 2) “The dangers of masturbation�? Nice work, I hope nobody was the owner of this tiny little todger!!

As for the easiest places to “come right�? in Cape Town:

Well well well.. Surprisingly enough a lot of girls advertised their flats and houses..(with address’s too). Now seriously, although single I can’t honestly use my weekly column as a “pick up haven�? for lonely, frustrated young girls.

On the same note a certain Mr. Jonathan Snaith got much attention from the ladies.. He apparently sports one of the friendliest Jacuzzi’s this side of the equator and by the sounds of things, a dead cert location to have an amazing time. Who trained this man?

Possible sightings of the mysterious A.O Pletzer:

I mentioned last week that the Nadoes boys are looking at signing up a certain Mr. A.O Pletzer for a cameo appearance later this season. Should anyone know of the man in question, some sort of confirmation would be greatly appreciated!! I received the following 2 photos from 2 anonymous “Joey Miller�? fans last week.

Could someone PLEEEASE confirm whether either of these two fellows are infact the real A.O Pletzer?? I have the Nadoes head coach on my back and I need answers.

A FIRST EVER!!! Competition time for our ladies:

I gather there is a large number of ladies out there that log onto our site daily, some even a few times daily..dont feel guilty.. I thought it only fair to include you sweethearts in our festivities this May.

We are on the search for Cape Town’s hottest buns – Yes they may belong to you.. Or EVEN perhaps your girlfriend, so don’t be shy and send us your pictures – the winners will be announced next week. 3 bottles of Tequila up for grabs!!

• No free-bees

The best thing since sliced bread!

– Your solution to driving over the limit:
Got a lot of positive feedback last week regarding “Good fella’s�? and how they can lend us all a hand in curbing drunk driving in South Africa but more particularly Cape Town. Check out the website and register today, it’s a fantastic concept and a two way relationship for life.

About Good Fellas
•Good Fellas members can access an accredited chauffeur to drive their car from any collection point to any destination.
•It is available from 08h00 till 02h00 weekdays and from 12h00 to 02h00 on weekends.
•The member has a choice of four packages depending on anticipated use.
•Tailor made solutions may be designed for corporates.
How does Good Fellas work?
1.You phone Good Fellas requesting a driver and register your location and collection time with the call centre operator. Collection times are guaranteed for requests received two hours in advance.
2.The operator dispatches a registered Good Fellas’ driver who is nearest to your location.
3.The driver gets to the location at the time specified, or within 30 minutes if no lead-time was given. He introduces himself to you and waits a maximum of 15 minutes.
4.You are driven in your own car to your destination safe and sound.
5.The driver logs the completed delivery with the call centre, and relies on his own support system to collect him.
Check it out: www.gfellas.co.za

What’s new in Cape Town?

Don’t know if you have been noticing because I certainly have -> Dentyne chewing gum have taken Cape Town by storm and in a BIG WAY. You will find there new trendy vending machines in all hip and happening bars and clubs throughout the CBD, Southern and Northern suburbs of Cape Town.

Popular havens such as: Pulse, Miam Miam, Cool Runnings, Tin Roof, Fu Bar, Springbok Pub, Bossanova, Buena Vista Social Club, Bar Boia, Privilege, Vacca Matta, All Stars, Stellenbosch all have the machines. Convenience at it’s best!!

The “Joey Miller�? cat carrier – does your Cat have the balls??

Make great birthday/ Christmas presents and perfect for small dogs too.

“Naughty Girl Display�? VS “What the F#ck�?

What you’ve all been craving -> The Sexy Paris Hilton Carwash Video

Click on photo!

For enquiries on any matters email Joey himself on: thejmcolumn@breakthru.com .

Regards,
J.M

A JOEY MILLER PRODUCTION

Download this new preview! This is a first for Joey Miller but I promise better clips to come! You can look forward to a video at least once every two weeks. Enjoy this opening production

The Joey Miller workout:

‘Breathe in, breathe out…. breathe in…. breathe out…now close your sparkly little eyes and repeat the following “10�? times to yourself…�?

((((( Joey Miller… Joey Miller….Joey Miller…. Joey Miller…Joey Miller ))))))

Start believing it – I’m going to be the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you think about when you fall asleep and night. Don’t fight it.

Weekend Review:

What a weekend!!!

Completed a great little gig on the West Coast.. met so many cute little babies and generally plenty good times where had by all involved. If you are ever in Langebaan please drop in and take a look at the size of the dance floor at the local hangout “Flamingoes�?. I was in absolute awe. It’s almost the size of an Olympic swimming pool!

Competition time:

Today’s column is quiet special. Yes oh yes I’m running a great little competition. I can feel the excitement building as you clench your mouse pad tighter… the 3 winners, despite your location will each bag a signed Joey Miller compilation album which includes the following EXPLOSIVE tracks:

1.Hate it or love it (new) – 50c feat. The game
2.I like the way you move (new) – Body Rockers
3.Mr. Brightside – The Killers
4.Dakota (new) – Stereophonics
5.Speed of sound (new) – Coldplay
6.Closer to you – The Wallflowers
7.Holiday (new) Green Day
8.N De say (new) – Nelly
9.Bedshaped – Keane
10.Chocolate – Snow Patrol
11.Needs – Collective Soul
12.Shiver (new) – Natalie Imbruglia
13.The world at large – Modest Mouse
14.Man in the Mirror – Rhythm Fatal feat. Redd. Angel
15.Broken – Seether
16.Talk about love – Fingertap feat. Hazel Fernandez

Joey wants the following three (3) things from YOU:

1)The correct answer as to whether the Bulls will make this years Super 12 Final? (YES/NO)
2)The most bizarre picture you have ever seen. (Nothing “too�? porno – It MAY be posted)
3)Easiest place to come right in Cape Town and why. (I’ll decide if you are right)

And that’s how simple it is folks. Mail me with your answers to thejmcolumn@breakthru.com

Winner of the CD’s announced (or kept anonymous) next Monday.

A big shout out:

Before I forget, thank you for all the email support, it doesn’t go unnoticed and is greatly appreciated. Had no idea I had so many overseas followers. Unfortunately my identity must remain anonymous people. I know – life can be cruel.
Receiving a few emails from girls wanting me to spice up the column a bit more.. Come now ladies. easy tigers!! Joey knows best. All in good time.

Joey Miller humour:

Possible new signing for the Nadoes:

Got another very random email from a certain individual this weekend demanding that Mr. A.O Pletzer get a run for the Nadoes at some stage this season? The oak sounded like he was being pretty serious. Would this super hero A.O Pletzer PLEASE reveal yourself. And would someone please forward me a picture of the beast. Apparently the oak has arms like tree trunks and sat bench for Saracens in the UK. Do they need such talent though? Looking at the latest log, it’s clear that the men in red and black are going to be hard to beat this season!

The best thing since sliced bread! – Your solution to driving over the limit:

If you are one of those individuals that tend to booze on weekends then this is GONNA appeal to you! Drunken driving is seriously NOT COOL folks yet we all do it week after week.

Take a listen to this – > “Good fella’s�? – Headed up in Cape Town by director Anthony Foster. Ant as he is fondly known has settled with his family in the Mother City, following the completion last year of his MBA at UCT’s graduate School of Business. Ant believes that the good fella’s solution is a “discreet, affordable and sensible solution�? which will allow Capetonians to enjoy their surrounding even more.

About Good Fellas

• Good Fellas members can access an accredited chauffeur to drive their car from any collection point to any destination.
• It is available from 08h00 till 02h00 weekdays and from 12h00 to 02h00 on weekends.
• The member has a choice of four packages depending on anticipated use.
• Tailor made solutions may be designed for corporates.

How does Good Fellas work?

1. You phone Good Fellas requesting a driver and register your location and collection time with the call centre operator. Collection times are guaranteed for requests received two hours in advance.
2. The operator dispatches a registered Good Fellas’ driver who is nearest to your location.
3. The driver gets to the location at the time specified, or within 30 minutes if no lead-time was given. He introduces himself to you and waits a maximum of 15 minutes.
4. You are driven in your own car to your destination safe and sound.
5. The driver logs the completed delivery with the call centre, and relies on his own support system to collect him.

Check it out

Places to go in Cape Town:

Got word from one of our regular readers that “Pickwicks�? on Long Street is definitely worth a visit if you are after a cozy, cultured glass of red wine. Its winter folks, Red wine is like medicine – we all know that.

Another goodie that must be visited is ‘Nelsons Eye�? in Gardens. If you are after a fillet, rump or Sirloin steak served to perfection then this is the place to indulge. It is the oldest Steakhouse in South Africa so these guys know how to turn a steak

“Caveau Bar and Deli�? on Bree Street has been given much praise from our male readers. You will have to go check it out for yourself – Did I say Minki, Roxy and Kerry are locals over lunch time out loud? Promised the owners I wouldn’t.

Joey explores a new invention:

Joey Miller teachings:

Now for a bit of inspiration for my faithful fans. I want you all to take note of something. I don’t claim to be the next Robbie Banks but I get quiet excited when I read about the power of positive thinking. You gonna like this because it centers on the simple notion of positive thoughts versus negative thoughts. May help you next time you enter a job interview or the next time you stand over a 3-foot putt.

Here we go…. and this is simple to follow.

Negative thoughts are fueled by the following attitudes:

•BEING ANGRY
•BEING BORED
•BLAMING
•BEING RESENTFULL
•WORRIED
•UNCOMMUNICATIVE
•ANTAGONISTIC
•APATHETIC

Yet Positive thoughts are fueled by:

•BEING RELAXED
•BEING CONFIDENT
•BEING INTERESTED
•BEING ENTHUSIASTIC
•BEING RESPONSIBLE
•BEING COMMUNICATIVE
•BEING CHEERFULL

Charles Swindoll once wrote the following and I couldn’t agree more because it backs up the Joey Miller teachings:

“Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company… a church…a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace. We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that certain people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and THAT is our attitude�?

U-cha cha!

Be safe, have a great week and lets all get behind the Bulls on Saturday!

Regards,
J.M